A Special Day

Dear Friends,

It is Tara and my third Fluenciversary today! We started open communication three years ago. Wow! It is hard to believe all that has happened in these years, and hard to grasp all that it has meant. I still have a lot of processing of pre-fluency trauma and it is an ever unfolding road. And my life still has significant challenges, because my disability didn’t disappear with my communication access. But it has been an entirely new existence and a wholly absolutely opening of a life with hope and agency and true community. It is all a lot to convey, but I hope you get a sense of how fundamentally my universe has grown.

I love my sister beyond words, but it is so amazing to be able to tell her with my own words now! She is more than my main communication partner, and I am so grateful to be her brother. I am so proud of all we have done in three short but long years! I love you, my blue skies!

Your Friend,

Danny

On a beautiful life

Dear Friends,
I have started processing more feelings, and poetry has helped. Here is one I wrote on Tuesday. I am so grateful I can express my words. This is about looking through old photo albums in my uncle’s house in Hiroshima.

Thank you to Tara for staying up so late taking photos of them.

Your Friend,
Danny

—
MUSHROOMS, by Danny Whitty

Spread on the table
An assortment from the forested hills
And she sits smiling
In another shot,
He grins from the thick foliage
A disembodied face among oranges
And then another
And another
Happiness at a waterfall
Beside a hungry greedy deer
At a temple
In front of Mount Fuji
The calm sea in between
All the smiles and love
This yard in its younger days
All spacious and new
It has been a beautiful life
One that I only know
From these all too precious
Photos.

In loving memory of my Papa

Dear Friends,

Among all of my feelings from my trip, I also am all full of memories of my Papa as it was his birthday last weekend. The fourth without his physical presence. Wow, it is hard to grasp!

I am so glad I was able to publish a book of my cherished poems inspired by my life without him here. By “here” I mean in this plane, and not an all-encompassing here. I do feel him with me, and it is so absolutely beautiful, but I miss how it was. It was far from perfect, but it was how it was and I loved it.

I am so touched that many of you have bought my book. It is so meaningful to know that his influence via my poems is still reaching people. If you have read it, please share here or privately how it affected you, or what your favorite poem or lines are from it. I so appreciate you sharing!

For now, I will share an older poem – not in the book – one of my first. It wasn’t included because it was a bit out of character with my more recent and developed writing. But it is so special to me. I hope it moves you!

Your Friend,

Danny

—

SEASIDE VIGIL by Danny Whitty

Walking on the sand I am at peace,

The saltwater puts me at ease.

Waves roaring in my ears,

It brings me to tears.

How will I survive the years

Without you here?

The saving grace is my dreams

Where we dance on moon beams,

Really dance our hearts out

Among the stars and clouds.

The same clouds I see while walking by the sea,

Falling in the water and allowing my soul free,

Doing a dance and a song for you and me

And waiting for eternity.

Back to a new reality

Dear Friends,

Well, it sure has been a while! And it feels like I have travelled and grown more than two weeks or farther than the span of the Pacific! So I am home in a spatial sense, but I feel as if I am somehow in a different place! I am still processing it all, but I wanted to share a bit with you now. And I missed you!

Maybe it all will make more sense one day, but I am swirling with feelings and ideas and memories. Intense sadness and joy and gratitude and regrets, and feeling more connected to my ancestors, and finding a sense of foundation in knowing more about my family and motherland. I am so full of a sense of loss, seeing a bit of the world I might have grown up in, with a loving and fun grandma and kind uncles and forest foraging parties with cousins. And also being able to fluently speak and understand Japanese. What would life be like? I am so feeling like I could find a home in Japan. I know it is an impression from a short visit, and I know Japan is a restrictive place in many ways, but I felt so at home.

It is so similar to my feelings visiting my fatherland, Ireland, last year. But it is a bit different because I was born in Japan and lived my early childhood there. And so it feels more like an alternative life that might have been. But with both, I am facing an emerging idea of the life that will be in my future!

I understand completely why we moved to the US. And I am not saying life would have been better in Japan. But I know I missed a lot from not being closer to extended family. It is a more powerful sense of loss than I had anticipated.

I also want to say that I am grateful for my parents moving here to seek better help for me. I know they always wanted to help me. This is not a criticism at all. It is me processing tough realities with no perfect solutions.

I am so driven to spend more time in Japan and Ireland, to learn more and be a part of nonspeaker communities there. I wish I had more time with my elderly relatives, but I will make the most of what we have. I am going to have much more to share soon. Whew, this is a lot!

Your Friend,

Danny

About to visit the motherland

Dear Friends,

I am so absolutely excited to share that I am leaving this week to visit Japan! I was born there, and it is where I gained and lost speech. We moved to the US when I was just four, in large part to seek “treatment” for autism, the advice given to us in the late 1980s. I have only been back once, in 2010, and sadly since then my grandma and one uncle have passed. One uncle remains. He is so kind and I am so glad I will see him soon!

I am so hoping to spend more time in the future in Japan and Ireland, to find more connection with my roots. It is so strange to be adrift in this sense, not feeling American really, but also not really anything else. I am skeptical or wary of strong nationalism, but I also desire feeling more rooted somehow. It is the story of diasporas of various forms, and it is so common these days.

So here is one of the poems that I wrote recently as I anticipated this trip. I will be there for two weeks. It seems long in a way, as I think of not being in my home routine. But it seems much too short to find my connection there in the way I hope to one day. This is my poem on that ambivalence in time.

I will likely not post much, if at all, during my trip. I look forward to sharing more upon my return!

Your Friend,

Danny

2 weeks

by Danny Whitty

Two weeks is about half a month

And there are not so many months in a year really

And the years, well, one never knows

How many there will be

So two weeks is both significant and

Not nearly enough.

Sadness is heavy these days

Dear Friends,

I have been feeling the heaviness of sadness lately. Not my own, but the sadness of the world. Tara has said the same.

Today, she shared with me news of three people’s passing, not among our close loved ones but still so saddening. One was Christopher Finnes, a young man  who was an advocate for RPM, similar to my method of communication. I never met him, but my heart feels the mourning of our community, and it is so tragic to lose someone so young.

It is so important that we honor his legacy. Our community is growing, but our challenges are so massive, and so much work needs to be done. His time here was so meaningful even if too short, and his work will continue among us.

This fundraiser was started to establish a foundation in his name: https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/chrisfinnes

My heart is with his loved ones.

Your Friend,

Danny

Out and about

Dear Friends,

Wow, thank you for your great response to my book! Today, Tara and I are out in North Park, one of my favorite neighborhoods in San Diego. We love the restaurants and coffee shops here! And I love being out and about like any other adult. I love wearing my blazer and cool hat, and being a part of the energy of urban(ish) areas, and not being stuck at home or a glorified daycare program. I am so lucky and grateful that Tara can be my support like this. It is so wonderful to have this access to a relatively autonomous life.

Many of my poems have been written on such outings. It is a dream to be an author, roaming and writing, and I am living it! It is not easy, and takes support and resources, but we are making it happen. We are so lucky in this and I hope it becomes more and more accessible for us nonspeakers in the future!

Your Friend,

Danny

Waves and Wind and We – Order now!

Dear Friends,

It is now up for sale! Waves and Wind and We is my heartfelt book of poems. I am so proud to present it to you, and so eager for it to touch other lives. Please order if you can, and Unrestricted Interest is also offering a digital download for a lower price. I so appreciate anyone supporting my work!

This is my first book, and it is so meaningful to me. It is a compilation of poems on grief, love, and growth, based on my mourning my dad and at the same time blossoming in communication. I hope these poems resonate with you!

Order hard copy from me: https://www.dannywithwordsstore.com/shop/p/waves-and-wind-and-we


Order digital download from Unrestricted Interest (scroll down): https://www.unrestrictedinterest.com/reading/p/waves-and-wind-and-we-by-danny-whitty

Your Friend,

Danny

On Love

Dear Friends,

I had the most awful few days starting late last week. It was intense dysregulation, so overwhelming and aggressive, and it was scary. Such a letdown after three peaceful weeks. Then I asked for high CBD:THC gummies, which help calm me but also dull my mind, so I am averse to taking them unless I am desperate.

So I am calmer now, but groggy, and still recovering from it all. I am still not sure if I am better, or just dampened temporarily by the gummies. But at least I can have a break from compulsively screaming and grabbing my mom and going completely nuts. I am grateful for any break.

And today is Valentine’s Day! I don’t have a romantic love in my life yet, but I am surrounded by so much other love. And all I can say about it today is this poem that I wrote this morning. I love you all, and hope you feel loved today!

Your Friend,

Danny

In my all so difficult life

by Danny Whitty

The reality is at times so

Sharp cutting slicing

Cross-sections of my constructed dreams

And they collapse folded on themselves

Their weight crushes me underneath

And in this heightened gravity

All that keeps me

All that saves me

All that clears the debris

And lets me start again

Is your love.

I jinxed it.

Dear Friends,

Oh no! I am so upset to share that I impulsively shaved off my majestic beard yesterday morning. I am so frustrated, not only about the temporary loss of my beard, but also about this reminder that I can’t control my body. I know my apraxia is ever present in my reality, but some things really highlight it, even if they are small instances of my rogue body.

I am so sad. I know it will grow back. But I am so disappointed that my impulsive actions have ruined yet one more thing. I will be okay soon, but just feel so down in the moment.

I am so wanting to introduce you to my alter selves: there is me who is my core self, then Danny Body who is a bit disconnected from my core self, and then Arnold who is the impulsive and sometimes wild and also colorful and creative being who hijacks Danny Body. It is a bit more complex than that, and not necessarily a recommended way to view apraxia, but it is how I visualize and explain it to my family. Danny Body seemed okay on the surface after Arnold had him shave, but core me was so upset. It is so strange to be upset and not be able to show it.

Shay had tried to hide my razor after Tara had helped me avoid impulsively shaving a couple of days before. But Arnold is very determined and persistent, and it is hard to hide things from him. My impulses are so hard to redirect and unlearn. My support team tries so hard to help with this, but it is a difficult and delicate task.

I will be fine soon. Even just writing this made me feel better! I am too embarrassed to post my updated photo yet, though. I appreciate you reading and understanding!

Your Friend,

Danny