Back to a new reality

Dear Friends,

Well, it sure has been a while! And it feels like I have travelled and grown more than two weeks or farther than the span of the Pacific! So I am home in a spatial sense, but I feel as if I am somehow in a different place! I am still processing it all, but I wanted to share a bit with you now. And I missed you!

Maybe it all will make more sense one day, but I am swirling with feelings and ideas and memories. Intense sadness and joy and gratitude and regrets, and feeling more connected to my ancestors, and finding a sense of foundation in knowing more about my family and motherland. I am so full of a sense of loss, seeing a bit of the world I might have grown up in, with a loving and fun grandma and kind uncles and forest foraging parties with cousins. And also being able to fluently speak and understand Japanese. What would life be like? I am so feeling like I could find a home in Japan. I know it is an impression from a short visit, and I know Japan is a restrictive place in many ways, but I felt so at home.

It is so similar to my feelings visiting my fatherland, Ireland, last year. But it is a bit different because I was born in Japan and lived my early childhood there. And so it feels more like an alternative life that might have been. But with both, I am facing an emerging idea of the life that will be in my future!

I understand completely why we moved to the US. And I am not saying life would have been better in Japan. But I know I missed a lot from not being closer to extended family. It is a more powerful sense of loss than I had anticipated.

I also want to say that I am grateful for my parents moving here to seek better help for me. I know they always wanted to help me. This is not a criticism at all. It is me processing tough realities with no perfect solutions.

I am so driven to spend more time in Japan and Ireland, to learn more and be a part of nonspeaker communities there. I wish I had more time with my elderly relatives, but I will make the most of what we have. I am going to have much more to share soon. Whew, this is a lot!

Your Friend,

Danny