Dear Friends,

I am proud to share that I am going vegetarian. That might seem like an odd thing to be proud of, but to me it feels like something to celebrate. To be able to face up to the disconnect between my values and my actions, and to initiate a change in those actions, feels pretty empowering.

I have known for many years that a vegetarian diet would be better aligned with my values. But I was so clinging to my attachment to meat and I didn’t think I could cope without the comfort of my favorite foods. I am amazed at how strong that attachment was. I remember I once told Tara, “I wish I could be vegetarian, but I like meat too much.”

Here is the thing: I am otherwise a person of integrity. I am staunch in my values and pride myself in living and expressing those values. I am striving to do my part to create a world that respects the rights of the most vulnerable and stops prioritizing convenience over doing the right thing.

So avoiding the truth that my dietary choices were complicit in harm to animals and the environment was an act of hypocrisy.

I am so inspired by Tara’s recent decision to go vegan. She has been vegetarian for nineteen years, and I have seen how she has thrived and been healthy and strong without meat or seafood. She never tried to convert me, but I was so impressed by her example. So I decided several weeks ago to try being vegetarian at home.

Well, that was so easy! Our mom is a fantastic cook, and she made so much protein-rich vegetarian food, so it has been an enjoyable trial. So I am now trying to be vegetarian all of the time. This is mostly challenging because my automatic responses and habits around food are so strong. If I see “burger” on a menu, for example, my mind fixates on it. I am trying little by little to retrain those responses. I have had several successes in redirecting myself to vegetarian options in restaurants.

Tara encouraged me to not feel guilty or frustrated with this challenge. It doesn’t have to happen all at once. That reminder has helped me.

This is not to judge or pressure you over your own dietary choices. We are all on our own path for that. I just want to share how important it is to me that I can make and implement my own decisions to live according to my values. It feels so fulfilling.

Is there an example from your life of being able to shape it to better align with your values?

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

I am so eager to share a couple of fun updates! Some celebration among the dysregulation drama. I feel better today, anyway, though still on edge.

The first is that I had my first sleepover at my younger sister’s home. She and Tara live about 45 minutes from me. They also live closer to a lot of cultural and social places that I enjoy. So I have long wanted to try spending the night at their homes, so I could enjoy a night out on the town more easily. But I haven’t felt up for trying because my mind struggles to feel at ease when I am tired and I know I could be at home without too much inconvenience. I am generally fine in hotels out of town, but I find I really cling to home when I am anywhere in San Diego.

But the Spellers Freedom Foundation Conference was a good opportunity to try. It was held closer to my sisters’ homes, so I decided to try spending a night with my younger sister and her husband. They have a nice spare bedroom. So after the first day of the conference, Tara and I went over and chilled out with them. Then Tara left and our sister was the best host. I felt safe and welcomed and happy, if tired. She had bought so many good options for breakfast the next day, and I loved walking with her in her neighborhood before Tara picked me up the next morning.

That was such a nice achievement. It made me more confident in my ability to be a bit more flexible in my San Diego routine. And I love spending time with my younger sister and her husband.

The next thing to share is that I held my first coffee hour gathering. Tara organized a few friends who don’t otherwise have much exposure to nonspeaking autistic folks. It was so nice to chat with them and to feel their interest and willingness to learn. I felt respected and cared for. It was lovely to educate people in a friendly and casual way. I want to thank all of them sincerely for taking the time to show up.

I hope to host regular coffee hours. Let me know if you are in San Diego and have ideas for locations and people who might want to join and learn.

I really like the coffeeshop where we met; they have a great, cool, and welcoming vibe at Steady State Roasting. I would love suggestions for independent and cool coffeeshops anywhere in San Diego County.

I am glad to share good updates among the tough ones.

Take care and enjoy your weekend!

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

How fitting that the latest All Our Brave Hearts episode is about co-regulation! I am so pushing my mom’s limits as a co-regulation partner lately, with my loud repetitive shouting and compulsions. It is a lot! But my family has grown so much in their capacity to help me with dysregulation. I know it is hard to co-regulate someone when they are actively stressing you out. But it is also so important for helping me in my tough times.

So here is a chat about how we work on it in our family. Even though we recorded this months ago, it is so relevant to what I am experiencing these days.

Thank you for listening or reading along!

Read or listen here, or listen wherever you get your podcasts

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

Alas, it is back. I am afraid that dysregulation is here for yet another visit.

Compared to previous years, it is relatively tame, but still very disruptive. I cannot sleep and I keep shouting everything I say. It is driving me and my mom and our dog nuts. I am thankful it has not been nearly as severe as last year, but it is still pretty awful.

It is always tough to enter such spells of dysregulation. I can tell my body and mind are starting to slide into it, and then I struggle to choose how to handle it. I try to stay calm without catastrophizing about how bad it will be. Then I waver in my attempts to be calm, fearing that if I don’t prepare myself by getting worried about the impending misery, I will be somehow bulldozed by it. It is so difficult to retain any sense of mindfulness or strategy once dysregulation starts creeping in.

That is what I am working on these days. Trying to not get anxious about the anxiety.

I do want to share some positive updates too. I voted last week! And it felt great to learn more about the candidates and propositions. My goodness, the wily and convoluted nature of some campaigns is horrifying but also fascinating. The other fun updates include two big achievements that I will share later this week.

That is it for today. I am so tired and my head aches. Thank you for being with me in my tough times.

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

I am so moved by your support in response to my last post. It has helped immensely. I am surprised at how much this has had an impact on me. Maybe I am also fatigued, or maybe there are other stressors wearing down my resilience. But I do feel awfully drained.

Today, I am sitting in a coffee shop, surrounded by other people busily typing and chatting. I usually love being part of such scenes. But today, I feel sad and discouraged. I feel like I will always be an outsider in society. I feel like I cannot go in public without worrying that someone will diminish me with a stare or a thoughtless word.

It is sort of accepting that such assaults and injuries to my dignity are a fact of my life. There is some change, but it is slow and the ableism behind such behavior is so pervasive and ingrained. So in my lifetime, I will likely always have to encounter such incidents or at least be aware that they could happen any time I venture into public spaces.

I know this is not uplifting for you. I am sorry for that. The main goal of my work on here is to share encouragement and insight to help my community and our allies. The times when I share difficult feelings are a bit selfish, because I just need to express them. I find that in these cases, you all are the ones providing encouragement.

Thank you for being such a supportive community.

This discouraged mindset will fade, and I will come charging back with schemes and motivation to change the world and how it treats us. For now, I need to sit with it and nurse my heart.

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

I am sharing a difficult experience in this new episode of All Our Brave Hearts. It is not a major experience; in fact, it is relatively trivial. But it was upsetting all the same.

It was at this weekend’s surf event for the Spellers Freedom Foundation Conference. The negative experience was not due to the conference itself, nor to Spellers Freedom Foundation. It was the group organizing the surf volunteers, and more specifically one of their organizers. The rest of my negative experience stemmed from that. I want to emphasize that Waves4All is not this organization. Waves4All is a much better crew that sees me and all its surfers as athletes and friends, rather than passive sources of feel-good inspiration.

I hope that the other spellers had a better experience this weekend. But it was a very upsetting experience for me, and it had me so angry and sad all day.

I hope you give this a listen (on Substack or wherever you get your podcasts) or read (on Substack).

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

Well, the dysregulation seems to have passed. I have had a few calm days. What a relief!

That there might be more dysregulated days around the corner is none of my concern in the now.

Yesterday was a fantastic day. I took a Lyft from my house to La Jolla Cove to meet Tara, and saw so many adorable baby sea lions frolicking in the water, though we decided that conditions for snorkeling weren’t good. Then we ended up at Pipes in Encinitas, a nice beach and surfing spot. The waves were crashing right on shore, and I had fun watching them but it was a bit scary. Tara sensed that I wanted to swim but was too afraid, so she coached me out to a section without surfers and helped me duck under the waves. It was so much fun to swim past the breaking waves! The water was the perfect temperature, just a bit of chill that was so refreshing. I had a great time floating like an otter, and sometimes diving down and feeling the water surround me.

Then I relaxed on the beach. It was so calming. I am such a beach bunny.

Then we got tacos for lunch. How much better can a day get?

There are so many parts of this day that are only possible with spelling. The ability to direct my days and to share my goals and preferences was essential to me having such a day. From being able to take a Lyft on my own, to being able to enjoy ocean activities, to being able to request specific restaurants for lunch, my agency shaped by my spelling allowed me to be the driver of my day.

That means a lot to someone who went decades without it.

That and having support like Tara makes this new life possible.

I hope you have some nice days coming your way soon.

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

Today was a nice day, and that is worth sharing. Dysregulation has been on and off for a couple of weeks, with a lot of shouting and angry outbursts. But at least it has not been as bad as it used to be. And I try to enjoy the brief breaks in between dysregulated times.

Today was one such break. I asked to go to dog beach, because it is a lovely spot for all of us. I love being by the crashing waves when my energy is high and unstable. It calms me to be close to the ocean’s force when I am feeling a bit out of control myself. And Riko truly loves the beach! She comes so alive with joy whenever we go there. That is so nice to see. She is a timid dog most of the time, but she seems so happy and confident at the beach. And my mom hardly gets to see the sea up close if we don’t bring her.

So Tara drove us there. We had the nicest time. Riko stayed by me as I waded and walked, and I loved her companionship. Tara brought her beach umbrella so Riko wouldn’t get too hot, and it was so nice to hang out in the shade while watching the waves. It was so relaxing.

I am so grateful that I can do things like that. It is such a gift to spend time in nature. And to do so with loved ones is even better.

I hope you get to have some nice moments in nature soon.

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

I have had the worst dysregulation in a long time, probably in this year, in the past several days. I finally feel like myself again. This was not nearly as severe as in past years, which I am so grateful for. But it is still disheartening when a rough spell comes by.

My goodness, I was so loud. Shouting and stimming. Getting stuck in loops that I would shout over and over. I was so sick of it, but couldn’t stop.

I also kept harassing my mom by getting in her face and shouting. It is so stressful for her. I hate doing it. And I felt kind of high, like I was floating and not in my body. It was so unpleasant.

I honestly have no idea what triggered it. That is so frustrating. I am at a loss. I have run through sensible possibilities, but none seems to be a good explanation.

I am still on edge a bit. But it is much calmer than yesterday. So I will bask in this feeling of relief.

I hope you are all keeping well.

Your Friend,

Danny