I jinxed it.

Dear Friends,

Oh no! I am so upset to share that I impulsively shaved off my majestic beard yesterday morning. I am so frustrated, not only about the temporary loss of my beard, but also about this reminder that I can’t control my body. I know my apraxia is ever present in my reality, but some things really highlight it, even if they are small instances of my rogue body.

I am so sad. I know it will grow back. But I am so disappointed that my impulsive actions have ruined yet one more thing. I will be okay soon, but just feel so down in the moment.

I am so wanting to introduce you to my alter selves: there is me who is my core self, then Danny Body who is a bit disconnected from my core self, and then Arnold who is the impulsive and sometimes wild and also colorful and creative being who hijacks Danny Body. It is a bit more complex than that, and not necessarily a recommended way to view apraxia, but it is how I visualize and explain it to my family. Danny Body seemed okay on the surface after Arnold had him shave, but core me was so upset. It is so strange to be upset and not be able to show it.

Shay had tried to hide my razor after Tara had helped me avoid impulsively shaving a couple of days before. But Arnold is very determined and persistent, and it is hard to hide things from him. My impulses are so hard to redirect and unlearn. My support team tries so hard to help with this, but it is a difficult and delicate task.

I will be fine soon. Even just writing this made me feel better! I am too embarrassed to post my updated photo yet, though. I appreciate you reading and understanding!

Your Friend,

Danny