Dear Friends,

I have so much on my mind. I am finding that I can handle my grief a bit better now. Thank you for your comments of support.

It is a beautiful day here. I am so appreciating our climate here in San Diego. I know many of you are in harsher conditions. I hope you stay cozy and safe.

I am aware of the strife in the news. It is not unexpected, yet it is still shocking. I am not here to comment on it beyond this point: democracy is freedom from tyranny. Tyranny thrives in times of reactive factionism. Factionism thrives when we forget our humanity and compassion, but instead allow divisive narratives founded on hatred and greed to dominate our notions of ourselves. Humanity is more than competing teams. I am sad and troubled by the thoughtlessness in how people defend crimes of our leaders.

That might not be to your liking, but I hope you have enough respect for me to try to consider my perspective on this. I will not allow any comments on this point, in the interest of this not devolving into another swarm of reactive and messy comments. There are enough of those already.

I also have learned of a certain video put out by a speaking autistic figure. I will respond to it this week. It is disheartening.

I am sorry to not allow comments on this post. I hope you understand why. I needed to say something, even if it is just a small part of what I am feeling. Remember your compassion, even if there are loud voices screaming at you to forget it.

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

Oh my goodness, my grief is so overwhelming. How to get through this? I know it will get easier with time, and I have been through immense grief before, but in this moment, it feel so very heavy.

Thank you for your kind words of comfort. It has helped.

My dysregulation has been so intense. It is so awful to cause distress to my family as they grieve.

I am reflecting on how the dogs filled our lives with love. They loved me without any conditions. Even though I scared them with my dysregulation, they would still come to me in calmer times. They adored me. They made me feel lovable.

This is all too rare in my life. I have so much love from my family and friends. But society in general makes me feel undeserving of love. The love from Hana and Houdini was such a needed comfort in my life.

I am struggling to express this in a way that does it justice. It is hard to spell today. My loops and unreliable speech keep taking over. So that is stressful, too. It is a difficult time.

But it does help to express what I can. Thank you for being here with me.

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

I am drowning in grief. We will let our dog Houdini go in a matter of hours. He has been declining for a while, so it is not unexpected. But it is too much on top of losing Hana unexpectedly just three weeks ago. I am so in pain over this dual loss. I am so dysregulated and adding to my family’s stress and scaring Houdini on his final night.

He was so sweet and goofy. I am so going to miss his happy personality. I am going to miss his greetings at the front door. I am going to miss his annoying habits. I am going to miss his loving energy.

We have all been struggling with Hana’s loss. To go through this so soon after is too much.

The house will feel so very empty. I don’t know how I will cope.

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

It is warm and dry during the days lately. Santa Ana conditions, which brings heated and energized air to the coast from the high desert. It is always a time of tension for my body. It is a lot to process. It feels like my nerves are ants. So uneasy.

But I appreciate the warmth and the clear views. So I am not too miserable, just on edge.

I want to share that I am starting a newsletter on Substack for my creative writing. I know I have a lot of different things to follow online. But this is a bit different because it is just for my creative writing. Not advocacy or education. It is a space for my writing to stand on its own, and I am so excited to finally share more of it. It is also a way to explore how to connect on Substack. I am trying to get to know it better as a platform. We use it for All Our Brave Hearts, but I haven’t been very active on it yet.

So if you are interested in my writing as art, check out Inconveniently Yours on Substack. It is a different side of me.

I hope you are all taking good care in this wild world.

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your words of comfort as I mourn Hana. It helps. I am still so very sad and overwhelmed. But it is getting a bit more manageable bit by bit. This is so hard.

The start of this new year is a lot to face in such a state. I truly don’t want to plan anything. I guess it is a bit like depression, though not as hopeless, just overwhelmed by feelings. Tara is helping me by gently guiding me through organizing my schedule for next week, and letting me leave a lot “to be determined” because I can’t imagine doing my usual activities right now. I am feeling like I need more time to tend to myself before getting back to my routine.

I hope you all are having a gentle start to the year. It is strange to start the year in winter. It is not a time for renewal, but for rest and quiet germination. It is jarring to put resolutions and big plans into abrupt motion in January. So that is something I hope you remember amid the pressure to be a “new year, new you” this month.

Happy New Year, friends. Take care.

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

I am heartbroken. We had to put our sweet Hana down over the weekend. It turns out her recent struggles were likely all from spleen cancer. But we only learned that when she was dying at the emergency vet. Our other vet didn’t catch it when we brought her in two weeks ago. So it was a very sudden shock to learn that there was nothing we could do and that her body was already shutting down due to internal bleeding from the tumor.

I was so numb and shaking during this ordeal. It was the middle of the night when my mom heard her in distress and found her disoriented and unable to stand. And I had been deep asleep after a dysregulated day. So this felt like a nightmare.

I am so grateful I could be there to be part of the decision and to say goodbye. I was so in distress, but I would have always regretted it if I hadn’t been there. My heart felt so shattered. I am still shattered.

I have been going nuts with compulsions since then. It is my body’s response to the overwhelming feelings. It is too hard to process them but my body feels like it must do something. I am so lost in my grief.

I haven’t really been able to say much until today. I requested space and told Tara I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I needed to process it on my own. But it has been so hard to do so. I finally feel a bit less in shock, so I am trying to express my feelings now to see if that helps.

She was a special soul. It was such a gift to have her in our lives. I adored her so much. I will always regret that my dysregulation stressed her out, including on her last day. I hate that. I hate that I couldn’t fully show her what she meant to me. I hate that she ever was scared of me. Just another way my disability takes from my life.

But she did show me such love. She loved walking with me on the beach. She loved hiking with me. She loved cheekily stealing my spot on the couch. She loved just being around me.

I am so not sure how to handle this loss. I am so deeply sad. It hurts.

I will never forget her spark.

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

I am glad to finally present an All Our Brave Hearts episode, after an unplanned hiatus. This episode is about friendship. This topic is a long-time favorite of mine, as I am a naturally friendly guy who longed for friendships but couldn’t communicate that for most of my life. Making friends after gaining communication has been such a joy.

I also find that I have insights into all types of friendships, just from observing the people around me. I am such a nosy guy! But I am fascinated by how people interact. So I have some advice to share on that!

Please listen or read on Substack or wherever you get your podcasts! I hope you can relate to what we talk about. And have a wonderful Christmas if you celebrate.

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

I am so feeling a bit fatigued these days, but I am very calm. I think my body wants to hibernate. But I am still enjoying these pre-holiday days. I love the festive feeling this time of year.

I had the nicest day with Tara last week. We took Hana to the vet, which isn’t that nice but felt good to do it. Then we went ice skating at the big mall in La Jolla, and I haven’t gone ice skating in years but I quickly remembered how to. I loved it! I skated for an hour straight. It felt so freeing and exhilarating! I love moving through space. It is like meditation. Christmas music was playing and there were so many nice decorations around the rink.

Then we wandered around the mall, soaking up the Christmas décor and idly rummaging through shops here and there. I was very calm and regulated, and it felt great to be able to spend hours hanging out without needing to go home to rest. Then we had delicious ramen, lazed by an outdoor fire pit, and went home. I loved it all.

And this weekend, I met up with several of my fellow “old man” speller friends. By “old” I mean thirties and up. We had a lovely holiday hangout at a cute coffeeshop with a nice outdoor area. It was so wonderful to spend time together.

I am enjoying these kinds of festive days. This year has been a bit tough to fully grasp, with a lot of changes and challenges and a slower pace of producing work. I am appreciating the space to relax and ponder and scheme for next year. I have some great plans!

How are you enjoying this December?

Your Friend,

Danny

Dear Friends,

I am getting in the holiday spirit! We have a nice small tree, plus two big scraggly potted pines out front, and all three are decorated. I love it. This house is too small for a big tree inside, but I love our small tree.

In less cheery news, something is wrong with our little dog Hana. She is almost 14 years old, but had been doing pretty well apart from slowing down a bit. But lately, she has been having a tough time breathing at times, and has started trembling in fits. We will bring her to the vet in two days. She can still eat and wag her tail and go around the house, but any exertion apparently triggers her breathing problem.

I am so worried. She is so precious to me. I adore her like a little sister. She has such a special spark, and is so attuned to us humans. She is truly a special being. I am so sad to see her in discomfort. This is so hard.

I had already been feeling sadness for our bigger dog Houdini. He is almost 16 years old, and it is clear that this will be his last Christmas. He is losing muscle, becoming more incontinent, and can’t go for walks anymore. But he has an indomitable spirit of goofy joy. He now wears grippy socks and a plaid sweater, and looks very much like an old man. He is hanging on and I am surprised at how he keeps going.

I don’t feel as much adoration for him, as he is kind of annoying and so full of energy that it stresses me out a bit. But I love him! He won me over with his happy-go-lucky spirit. And he is pretty sweet, even if he tramples things and knocks things over regularly.

I was never able to express my love for the family dogs before spelling. My body language could only show my discomfort with the sensory overload that dogs tend to be. But I always loved them. That was so painful to not be able to express, because my family assumed that I didn’t like them. So I was misunderstood in a way that led to me not being included in caring for the dogs.

With our two current dogs, though, I have become one of the main caretakers. I feed them and used to walk Houdini. I pick up their poop from the garden. I am proud of all this. I am so able to express care this way, even if I can’t handle snuggling them.

I am so hoping to have more quality time with them. It is an honor to tend to them in their final days. I am so lucky to have had so many years with them.

That was a sad post. I hope I didn’t get you too down. It is just what is on my mind. Thank you for reading.

Your Friend,

Danny

(photo from 2022)

Dear Friends,

I hope you are enjoying the holiday weekend! I can’t believe that it is already the end of November. It is surreal to think that this year is almost over.

I am still wrestling with dysregulation. It comes and goes on a daily basis. It is tiring. But it is not as intense or continuous as it was a couple of weeks ago. So that is good I guess.

I am thinking a lot about what I want to do in the next year. I am also reflecting on this year. This has been a strange year for me. But I also have a lot to be grateful for. So I want to celebrate that.

I don’t want to do a list of everything I am thankful for. But I want to highlight three things.

One is the lovely new home that my mom and I share. This time last year, we had no idea where we would end up. It was scary. The house we found turned out to be the perfect cozy home we needed. The incredible view is endlessly inspiring. The neighbors are kind. It is so wonderful to realize that we are settled in a nice home after last year’s stress over having to move.

The second is all of you. I cherish my online community. To be reaching thousands of people with my words is difficult to grasp. I am so grateful to you for receiving my words with your hearts, and for amplifying my messages. To help other nonspeakers and their families is such an honor. I am so in awe that so many people are interested in my words, and that those words are having an impact. Thank you all for being part of that.

And the third is that ten years ago, to the day, I was in Portland spelling with Elizabeth Vosseller for the first time. I am so eternally, profoundly thankful for that experience. It was my first time ever expressing my true words. I am so moved thinking about it. I am in awe over how it changed my life. Thank you, EV, and thank you to my mom who brought me there, and to my younger sister who came along.

There are many more things to be thankful for, but I am too tired to write more. I appreciate you all!

Your Friend,

Danny