Exploring Anger

Dear Friends,

I have been in a great place recently. Regulated and mostly happy. So it was a good time to dive into some heavy stuff with my therapist.

I have been wanting to figure out how to transform my rage into a less destructive feeling. It is only in adulthood that I have felt explosive anger regularly. It is not my nature. It is not how I want to feel. And it makes me do things that I don’t want to do.


It has been challenging to explore this, because whenever we try, I get dysregulated. My therapist is good about treading lightly, but I still would get so triggered. So it has been slow going.

This week was different. I was able to dive below the anger and into the deep sadness. The anger is protecting me from an endless grief. That is so profound to realize finally. I knew it intellectually, but I finally felt it this week.

Wow, a lot of thoughts and feelings came up! I kept spelling torrents of sadness. It flowed out of my heart onto the letterboard. It was so cathartic.

I have a lot to process. It is heavy, but it is something I need to do. It feels liberating to be in the process of familiarizing myself with my emotions.

I know that I have many reasons to be angry. But I don’t want to be controlled by anger. That is a big goal of mine.

That is it for now. It is good to share this journey with you.

Your Friend,

Danny

Ocean times

Dear Friends,

This winter has been unusually warm here. It is a bit bizarre, and I worry about how this might impact local ecosystems. But it makes for nice ocean adventures.

I am sharing a more close-up photo of my best wave from last month (photo by Cliff Schumacher). I also am sharing screen grabs from video of a nice SUP outing from last month. It was so warm that we jumped in the water to cool off!

I was sort of hoping for more typical winter weather, to feel the chill and have some more cozy rain days. But it is March, and the forecast is all mild to warm for the next ten days. I know we are fortunate to have such a pleasant clime when much of the country has had a harsh winter. It just feels a bit odd that we never really had any of our typical winter, except some stormy days.

This wasn’t supposed to be about the weather. I got carried away…

To be able to enjoy the ocean in these ways started six years ago, when I was finally able to tell Tara that I wanted to learn how to snorkel. Spelling opened up this world for me. So did my family learning more about apraxia, which helped them better support me in learning new skills. And I am so appreciating all I have learned from Erin at Sunrise Therapies and the Waves4All team. I am still in awe of all I can do in the ocean now.

What is something you enjoy now that once was just a dream?

Your Friend,

Danny

Waves 4 all

My first solo Uber ride

Dear Friends,

I had an important first today: I rode alone in an Uber for the first time! This is a big step for me.

To get to Tara’s neighborhood, and all the great cafes and restaurants around there, as well as Balboa Park, is a forty-plus minute drive. So it is a pain for Tara to pick me up then bring me to her neighborhood and then bring me home. And there is no direct bus or train. So the only feasible option is Uber or Lyft. They are expensive, but I do have some funding from my services to cover transportation. So I could do a rideshare ride once or twice a month.

I practiced a few times with my mom, and since I felt pretty calm this week, I decided to go for it on my own. My mom arranged the ride, and Tara met me on the other side.

It went smoothly and we had a great day! I love the coffeeshop we met at – it is a cool spot with great vibes. It is called Mnemonic, and it is one of my favorites. The two owners are so awesome. They cultivate a wonderful sense of welcome.

I wrote a poem and enjoyed a new-to-me type of tea. Then we walked in Balboa Park nearby and wrote some more. Then lunch at Ranchos Cocina, another favorite. Then we headed home before afternoon traffic picked up. I was so tired but happy.

Here is my little poem from the coffeeshop.

YUNNAN TEA ON ICE
Today I tried a new-to-me
Type of tea
In a coffeeshop
With a kind barista
Who smiled
As I shouted
My order
As if my voice were like
Music
Instead of embarrassment

This ability to have such a day is so empowering to me. It is the type of day that makes me feel alive and part of the community. I appreciate being able to do so.

Your Friend,

Danny

Despair

Dear Friends,

I am struggling with a sort of quiet despair. It is triggered by the news, and I am not sure if it is driving my compulsiveness or vice versa. I just feel so low about the evil and hatred that our society and our species is not only capable of, but allows and even celebrates. It is so disheartening.

I am not seeking political opinions. I am expressing the anguish that I feel. I am sharing the sadness that my sensitive heart can’t help but absorb. As a vulnerable person who relies so heavily on others, as an immigrant, as a hyper-sensitive brain, all of the news of abuse and abductions and injustices is so heartbreaking. I also feel so keenly how unfair it is that I am seen as a burden on society while so many in power choose to effect direct and indirect harm on society for their own greed.

It is a lot to cope with. I am so swirling in awful feelings. I am not sure how to cope. But expressing it helps.

How do you all handle such grief and anger?

Your Friend,

Danny

Standing Up

Dear Friends,

I had a great triumph this morning! I stood up multiple times on the surfboard! And I had my longest standing ride yet. This is huge for me!

Usually I ride on my knees or tummy. I have tried standing, but have only succeeded a handful of times. But today it clicked more than ever before, and the volunteer working with me did a great job coaching my body step by step. And the conditions were so perfect: small and long waves with no wind to add chop. It was a gorgeous day!

I needed this time in the sun and sea. I have been quietly compulsive for days. My spirit felt rundown by it. The ocean and the Waves4All community always make me feel better.

I am so grateful for mornings like this.

Your Friend,

Danny

Some writing

Dear Friends,

I am still stuck in compulsive mode. I wrote this piece to try to express what it feels like. It was so tough to get my finger to my letters today. But I managed it.

You can read it here: https://inconvenientlyyours.substack.com/p/stuck

For more of my creative writing, subscribe to my Substack, Inconveniently Yours (inconvenientlyyours.substack.com).

Thank you for being with me.

Your Friend,

Danny

Compulsive

Dear Friends,

I had a wonderful week or so of feeling very calm and happy. It was so nice. I love those times, when I am at ease and my true personality can come through without being disrupted by dysregulation. It is always special to be in that space.

But a few days ago, the ease started fading. I am so struggling with compulsions today. Thankfully, I am not dysregulated, but I do feel like I am going nuts. My brain is whirring nonstop. I can barely spell a full sentence without compulsions distracting me. It is so exhausting. And it makes it hard to rest.

I am using puzzles to help manage this manic feeling. I have been doing this since losing Hana. But this always ends up with me fixating too much on the puzzle. So it is a source of stress at that point. The temporary support that puzzles provide is helpful, but only until my brain turns it into another problem. This is why we only puzzle when I really need something to help me not unleash my compulsive brain onto every aspect of my daily routine.

This is so frustrating. But at least I am not super dysregulated.

Your Friend,

Danny

Running again

Dear Friends,

Wow, I appreciate your reception of our latest All Our Brave Hearts episode! Thank you.

A lighter post for today: I am starting to run for exercise. A long time ago, Tara and I used to run together. She was a runner in high school, and was even co-captain of the cross country team. So running has been a form of exercise and enjoyment for much of her life.

I, on the other hand, have never enjoyed running for sustained periods of time. I love galloping and jumping, but running for miles is not particularly fun to me. It is a lot of fatigue and physical sensations. I am not into it.

But I love being with Tara. So when she started inviting me to join easy runs, I would jump on the chance to do something together. I had not yet started spelling, so I couldn’t explain that I didn’t really like running. And I just loved being outside with her. Such time away from parents or teachers was rare for me.

And I did enjoy the exploration aspect of runs. It was fun to trot along trails and to see new routes.

We even did some races together. My mom was so proud to see me cross my first finish line. It was a cool experience.

But when I started spelling, I was finally able to tell Tara that I actually didn’t like running. She was shocked and apologetic. She never made me run again.

Well, now I need to lose weight for my blood pressure and cholesterol. We have done a lot to make my life more healthy, but with eating compulsions, it has been slow. I realized I needed to up my exercise, which already includes some strength workouts and yoga and stationary bike and many walks. I know strength workouts are important for weight loss, but I know running has always made me feel more fit. So I decided to ask Tara to resume being my running buddy.

It has been about a month. We are easing me into it. I walk, run, walk, run, etc. for gradually increasing intervals of running. The first time felt so clunky! My goodness. I felt so uncoordinated and heavy. But today, I felt so much stronger. We ran for a total of 15 minutes, my longest since resuming running, and I actually enjoyed it.

So I am proud of that progress. I wanted to share! I probably won’t ever get into running long distances, but I find the short runs tolerable. And I get to run with Tara, so I do like that part.

How do you feel about running?

Your Friend,

Danny

Back to Brave Hearts

Dear Friends,

I am glad to share that we have a new All Our Brave Hearts up. It is a bit outdated because spelling time is slow, but still relevant. It is a response to the video put out by a well-known speaking autistic figure. I will not say her name, but only describe the video as mocking FC and letterboard users.

Listen and/or read, and watch the video clip of me seeing the video, here, or listen wherever you get your podcasts.

This was a tough episode for me. It was my idea, and Tara cautioned me about it, so I take responsibility for bringing this stress upon myself. I think it is important to be aware of such things. But it sure hurts.

So listen with a prepared heart. Let me know what you think.

We have two previously recorded still to edit. But I wanted to get this one out first. Shout out to Kaishawna for reposting the offending video, which the creator took down the original of, so we have a record of it.

This is heavy. I am hoping to get some more uplifting posts to you soon.

Your Friend,

Danny

Feelings

Dear Friends,

Oh my goodness, feelings are so powerful! I am navigating big feelings and it is exhausting. I have been so sleepy lately. But that is still much better than being dysregulated.

My heartache remains strong. But there is joy, too. January is usually like a mini-spring here, with flowers blooming. This year has been unusually warm, too, so it really feels more like summer. So that is a bright energy for my soul.

Then my mom adopted a new dog. This is so hard for my grief-stricken heart, but she needed another dog for her own grieving process. So I understand. She chose a sweet lady, a Border Collie mix, who had been in the shelter for almost five months. The new dog is so sweet and loving and cute. I will learn to adore her. But it hurts, too. I keep missing Hana and Houdini.

Her name is Orikochan, Riko for short. It is Japanese for clever child. She will bring us much joy.

I am also excited for this year. I feel that I will do many exciting things. So that is another feeling in the mix.

I hope you are all able to navigate your feelings, good and bad. And I hope you are having a good start to the week.

Your Friend,

Danny