I am struggling with a sort of quiet despair. It is triggered by the news, and I am not sure if it is driving my compulsiveness or vice versa. I just feel so low about the evil and hatred that our society and our species is not only capable of, but allows and even celebrates. It is so disheartening.
I am not seeking political opinions. I am expressing the anguish that I feel. I am sharing the sadness that my sensitive heart can’t help but absorb. As a vulnerable person who relies so heavily on others, as an immigrant, as a hyper-sensitive brain, all of the news of abuse and abductions and injustices is so heartbreaking. I also feel so keenly how unfair it is that I am seen as a burden on society while so many in power choose to effect direct and indirect harm on society for their own greed.
It is a lot to cope with. I am so swirling in awful feelings. I am not sure how to cope. But expressing it helps.
I had a great triumph this morning! I stood up multiple times on the surfboard! And I had my longest standing ride yet. This is huge for me!
Usually I ride on my knees or tummy. I have tried standing, but have only succeeded a handful of times. But today it clicked more than ever before, and the volunteer working with me did a great job coaching my body step by step. And the conditions were so perfect: small and long waves with no wind to add chop. It was a gorgeous day!
I needed this time in the sun and sea. I have been quietly compulsive for days. My spirit felt rundown by it. The ocean and the Waves4All community always make me feel better.
I am still stuck in compulsive mode. I wrote this piece to try to express what it feels like. It was so tough to get my finger to my letters today. But I managed it.
I had a wonderful week or so of feeling very calm and happy. It was so nice. I love those times, when I am at ease and my true personality can come through without being disrupted by dysregulation. It is always special to be in that space.
But a few days ago, the ease started fading. I am so struggling with compulsions today. Thankfully, I am not dysregulated, but I do feel like I am going nuts. My brain is whirring nonstop. I can barely spell a full sentence without compulsions distracting me. It is so exhausting. And it makes it hard to rest.
I am using puzzles to help manage this manic feeling. I have been doing this since losing Hana. But this always ends up with me fixating too much on the puzzle. So it is a source of stress at that point. The temporary support that puzzles provide is helpful, but only until my brain turns it into another problem. This is why we only puzzle when I really need something to help me not unleash my compulsive brain onto every aspect of my daily routine.
This is so frustrating. But at least I am not super dysregulated.
Wow, I appreciate your reception of our latest All Our Brave Hearts episode! Thank you.
A lighter post for today: I am starting to run for exercise. A long time ago, Tara and I used to run together. She was a runner in high school, and was even co-captain of the cross country team. So running has been a form of exercise and enjoyment for much of her life.
I, on the other hand, have never enjoyed running for sustained periods of time. I love galloping and jumping, but running for miles is not particularly fun to me. It is a lot of fatigue and physical sensations. I am not into it.
But I love being with Tara. So when she started inviting me to join easy runs, I would jump on the chance to do something together. I had not yet started spelling, so I couldn’t explain that I didn’t really like running. And I just loved being outside with her. Such time away from parents or teachers was rare for me.
And I did enjoy the exploration aspect of runs. It was fun to trot along trails and to see new routes.
We even did some races together. My mom was so proud to see me cross my first finish line. It was a cool experience.
But when I started spelling, I was finally able to tell Tara that I actually didn’t like running. She was shocked and apologetic. She never made me run again.
Well, now I need to lose weight for my blood pressure and cholesterol. We have done a lot to make my life more healthy, but with eating compulsions, it has been slow. I realized I needed to up my exercise, which already includes some strength workouts and yoga and stationary bike and many walks. I know strength workouts are important for weight loss, but I know running has always made me feel more fit. So I decided to ask Tara to resume being my running buddy.
It has been about a month. We are easing me into it. I walk, run, walk, run, etc. for gradually increasing intervals of running. The first time felt so clunky! My goodness. I felt so uncoordinated and heavy. But today, I felt so much stronger. We ran for a total of 15 minutes, my longest since resuming running, and I actually enjoyed it.
So I am proud of that progress. I wanted to share! I probably won’t ever get into running long distances, but I find the short runs tolerable. And I get to run with Tara, so I do like that part.
I am glad to share that we have a new All Our Brave Hearts up. It is a bit outdated because spelling time is slow, but still relevant. It is a response to the video put out by a well-known speaking autistic figure. I will not say her name, but only describe the video as mocking FC and letterboard users.
This was a tough episode for me. It was my idea, and Tara cautioned me about it, so I take responsibility for bringing this stress upon myself. I think it is important to be aware of such things. But it sure hurts.
So listen with a prepared heart. Let me know what you think.
We have two previously recorded still to edit. But I wanted to get this one out first. Shout out to Kaishawna for reposting the offending video, which the creator took down the original of, so we have a record of it.
This is heavy. I am hoping to get some more uplifting posts to you soon.
Oh my goodness, feelings are so powerful! I am navigating big feelings and it is exhausting. I have been so sleepy lately. But that is still much better than being dysregulated.
My heartache remains strong. But there is joy, too. January is usually like a mini-spring here, with flowers blooming. This year has been unusually warm, too, so it really feels more like summer. So that is a bright energy for my soul.
Then my mom adopted a new dog. This is so hard for my grief-stricken heart, but she needed another dog for her own grieving process. So I understand. She chose a sweet lady, a Border Collie mix, who had been in the shelter for almost five months. The new dog is so sweet and loving and cute. I will learn to adore her. But it hurts, too. I keep missing Hana and Houdini.
Her name is Orikochan, Riko for short. It is Japanese for clever child. She will bring us much joy.
I am also excited for this year. I feel that I will do many exciting things. So that is another feeling in the mix.
I hope you are all able to navigate your feelings, good and bad. And I hope you are having a good start to the week.
I have so much on my mind. I am finding that I can handle my grief a bit better now. Thank you for your comments of support.
It is a beautiful day here. I am so appreciating our climate here in San Diego. I know many of you are in harsher conditions. I hope you stay cozy and safe.
I am aware of the strife in the news. It is not unexpected, yet it is still shocking. I am not here to comment on it beyond this point: democracy is freedom from tyranny. Tyranny thrives in times of reactive factionism. Factionism thrives when we forget our humanity and compassion, but instead allow divisive narratives founded on hatred and greed to dominate our notions of ourselves. Humanity is more than competing teams. I am sad and troubled by the thoughtlessness in how people defend crimes of our leaders.
That might not be to your liking, but I hope you have enough respect for me to try to consider my perspective on this. I will not allow any comments on this point, in the interest of this not devolving into another swarm of reactive and messy comments. There are enough of those already.
I also have learned of a certain video put out by a speaking autistic figure. I will respond to it this week. It is disheartening.
I am sorry to not allow comments on this post. I hope you understand why. I needed to say something, even if it is just a small part of what I am feeling. Remember your compassion, even if there are loud voices screaming at you to forget it.
Oh my goodness, my grief is so overwhelming. How to get through this? I know it will get easier with time, and I have been through immense grief before, but in this moment, it feel so very heavy.
Thank you for your kind words of comfort. It has helped.
My dysregulation has been so intense. It is so awful to cause distress to my family as they grieve.
I am reflecting on how the dogs filled our lives with love. They loved me without any conditions. Even though I scared them with my dysregulation, they would still come to me in calmer times. They adored me. They made me feel lovable.
This is all too rare in my life. I have so much love from my family and friends. But society in general makes me feel undeserving of love. The love from Hana and Houdini was such a needed comfort in my life.
I am struggling to express this in a way that does it justice. It is hard to spell today. My loops and unreliable speech keep taking over. So that is stressful, too. It is a difficult time.
But it does help to express what I can. Thank you for being here with me.
I am drowning in grief. We will let our dog Houdini go in a matter of hours. He has been declining for a while, so it is not unexpected. But it is too much on top of losing Hana unexpectedly just three weeks ago. I am so in pain over this dual loss. I am so dysregulated and adding to my family’s stress and scaring Houdini on his final night.
He was so sweet and goofy. I am so going to miss his happy personality. I am going to miss his greetings at the front door. I am going to miss his annoying habits. I am going to miss his loving energy.
We have all been struggling with Hana’s loss. To go through this so soon after is too much.
The house will feel so very empty. I don’t know how I will cope.
Danny With Words 