I am processing

Dear Friends,

I am so in an interesting place right now. I am working to more fully understand it. It has been going on for months now.

I am processing my grief and trauma more deeply. It is a scary process. I am more able to face it with sadness rather than immediately getting caught up in dysregulation. Anger had become my defense for a while. But it was keeping me from consciously dealing with my emotions.

I still have to better comprehend what I am experiencing. It is a difficult thing to go through. I am weary of feeling sad and down. I miss my happy cheerful days. It is a bit tough to go through this without knowing where it will lead. But I feel in my heart that this is a good thing. I feel myself growing in how I face the harsh realities of my life.

The trauma of past years is indescribable. The grief over what I have missed out on and how hard my life will always be is soul-crushing if I think about it seriously. That is just the reality of my situation. But I also have great passion for this life. There is a lot of room for joy in this existence. There is so much I can still experience and learn from, so much to savor and love. I am a happy heart in a tragic disability. I know the word “tragic” might trigger strong feelings. That is up to you. I use that word because it is the story I am working through at the moment. Tragic doesn’t mean hopeless. It doesn’t mean miserable all the time. It doesn’t mean that my life is not worth living. That is how I feel in this moment. Tragic but with a lot of light.

This is not to make you worry about me. This is not a proclamation of how everyone should view or talk about this disability. This is just my way to share honestly about what I as an individual am experiencing. That is it. That is all I claim to offer.

This community has shown me that I can share such things without worrying too much about my nuanced and complex reality being taken carelessly and that my truth in regards to my life is respected. Thank you for that.

Your Friend,

Danny