Dear Friends,
I am warning that this might be a difficult post to read. I try to be sensitive and careful in how my public posts might affect you. However, I believe that this is important to share. I am not the first to express such views. And I am not claiming to speak for anyone but me. Please know that.
I hate being a nonspeaking autistic person. My recent sadness has been about really being confronted with that truth. It is a cruel disability. I have no patience for anyone who has not lived this reality who tries to comfort themselves with platitudes about this being a gift. My reality can no longer be subsumed by false narratives crafted for the comfort of others.
I want to be fixed. I am broken. I can’t even do most basic things on my own. My compulsions are at times disruptive and even dangerous. My gut hurts almost all the time. I am broken.
That is not to say that I don’t deserve to live. It is not to say that my life is worthless. It is not to say that society can’t improve in accommodating people like me. Of course I deserve and will keep seeking a fulfilling life, with supports and efforts to do what I can to be an advocate for nonspeaking individuals. Of course I see us as people who are just as worthy as non-disabled people. We are here and we deserve dignity, respect, and better opportunities. We have a lot to celebrate in our lives, including the more positive aspects of our autistic brains. I can value the life I have now and also grieve for how fundamentally difficult it is.
This doesn’t mean I am saying that nonspeaking autistics shouldn’t exist. I am annoyed that I even need to cushion my truth with so much explanation and disclaimer. If you don’t have the mindfulness to grasp the nuances of what I am saying, I doubt I can explain it enough for you.
I appreciate you reading this with an open mind and heart. It might upset you. But it is my right to express it.
Your Friend,
Danny
Danny With Words 
Danny, I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time. I’m praying for you to feel relief from this burden soon. Know that you are loved, admired and appreciated so much by your friends and family and all who are touched by your words.I am very happy that you exist, and I know my son Philip is too. If it wasn’t for you, we never would have met Tara, and Philip never would have found his words. And Elliot and others too.You are a blessing. I am praying for an answer to your pain.Love, Barbara Lopez,Philip’s Mom
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In response to the last paragraph of your blog, I believe I read this blog entry with an open mind and heart. It does not upset me because my now 53 year-old son Ben with nonspeaking autism who has been an “open speller” with support since April 1994 at age 22 and has written about these matters since then. I strongly agree with you that it is your right to express it.
Earlier you write your “gut hurts almost all the time.” Although my son Ben has had other serious medical issues, including cancer 7 years ago that is considered “cured,”
such medical issues seem to be very problematic for persons such as you and my son.
Before mentioning what my son Ben has written on these matters, let me first make a DISCLAIMER – I cannot prove that what my son Ben states is the “truth” but he has consistently stated for over 30 years that he has the answers. My son Ben has consistently stated that there is a Divine purpose for his own and similar situations such as yours which he accepts. Of course, he seeks human efforts to improve his situation which have helped some but not extremely well and he would welcome a Divine miracle for such problems to end for him and others including you. Some information about my son Ben’s explanation of a Divine purpose can be found in messages I have posted to my public io group AutismFC such as on June 30, 2022 at
https://groups.io/g/AutismFC/message/63 .
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