Dear Friends,
I am once again having a tough time! Geez… it has been so relentless this year. Not a lot of intense or agitated dysregulation, but an awful lot of compulsive restlessness. It is better than being super loud or aggressive. But it is still discouraging and exhausting.
This time has been so low for me. I am so full of loathing for my disability. I am so feeling like I am an inconvenience. I am so ableist against myself. This is a tough life.
It all has to do with my feelings of vulnerability. That is such a profound trigger for me. Anything that reminds me acutely of my almost all-encompassing dependence on supports and services can set me on a spiral downward. And two recent home visits for different services I receive really triggered my anxiety over my vulnerability.
I am so trying to connect with my wounded inner child. That is where my vulnerability and my intense anxiety over it began. Imagine being a toddler, and slowly realizing you couldn’t do what others seemed to do so easily. Talking, moving at will, expression emotions, and making friends… none of that came to you. No way to communicate. No one who knew what you were going through. No one to explain to you what was happening in your body. Learning how problematic your existence was. And each year, learning more and more how trapped you are and how difficult your life will be.
I am so needing to process that pain more. It is so heavy. I am so feeling latent resentment against my family, because I needed them and they didn’t understand what was happening. It is not fair because they loved me so much and tried their best. They have not had easy lives either. But I as a small child needed support, and no one was able to give it to me in the way I needed. As I wrote in one of my poems: “And fault is somehow moot/But what are we supposed to do with all of this anguish?”
It is a tough life.
But I will find peace and joy again soon. I will grow more resilient with each trial. I will find the immense beauty in my life. I am learning to trust that dark days pass. And indeed I am already starting to feel brighter.
I am so happy to share that my younger sister Eira and my mom did awesome as my communication and activities supports while Tara was gone. It was a very encouraging test of my support team! And all the home visits went well and my services will continue. And we survived the tropical storm! So I am full of gratitude, even as my profound anxiety overruns my tired body. I hope you are all keeping well!
Your Friend,
Danny
Danny With Words 
This post reminds me of a story my yoga teacher (online) told us the other day as we were practicing. It was about letting go. A student confessed to his teacher (a wise monk) that despite the monk’s teachings about the value of letting go of something that causes you pain, the student could not find it in himself to let go. So the monk invited the student to tea. They sat down, the monk poured boiling hot water into the student’s cup and then told him to pick it up. The cup was burning the student’s hands but the monk urged him to hold on to it. Finally, the student could not hold on any longer and he had to let the cup go. It fell onto the floor and smashed into hundreds of tiny pieces. And the monk smiled and said, you see? Sometimes letting go is easier than you think. And letting go of something that causes you pain, that is a good thing. I like this story because I too have latent hostilities that I carry around with me. I keep trying to let them go – this story helps me. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you before you were able to communicate Danny. I’m grateful that you are willing to share your experiences with us out here.
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