Compulsive

Dear Friends,

I had a wonderful week or so of feeling very calm and happy. It was so nice. I love those times, when I am at ease and my true personality can come through without being disrupted by dysregulation. It is always special to be in that space.

But a few days ago, the ease started fading. I am so struggling with compulsions today. Thankfully, I am not dysregulated, but I do feel like I am going nuts. My brain is whirring nonstop. I can barely spell a full sentence without compulsions distracting me. It is so exhausting. And it makes it hard to rest.

I am using puzzles to help manage this manic feeling. I have been doing this since losing Hana. But this always ends up with me fixating too much on the puzzle. So it is a source of stress at that point. The temporary support that puzzles provide is helpful, but only until my brain turns it into another problem. This is why we only puzzle when I really need something to help me not unleash my compulsive brain onto every aspect of my daily routine.

This is so frustrating. But at least I am not super dysregulated.

Your Friend,

Danny