Dear Friends,
I am heartbroken. We had to put our sweet Hana down over the weekend. It turns out her recent struggles were likely all from spleen cancer. But we only learned that when she was dying at the emergency vet. Our other vet didn’t catch it when we brought her in two weeks ago. So it was a very sudden shock to learn that there was nothing we could do and that her body was already shutting down due to internal bleeding from the tumor.
I was so numb and shaking during this ordeal. It was the middle of the night when my mom heard her in distress and found her disoriented and unable to stand. And I had been deep asleep after a dysregulated day. So this felt like a nightmare.
I am so grateful I could be there to be part of the decision and to say goodbye. I was so in distress, but I would have always regretted it if I hadn’t been there. My heart felt so shattered. I am still shattered.
I have been going nuts with compulsions since then. It is my body’s response to the overwhelming feelings. It is too hard to process them but my body feels like it must do something. I am so lost in my grief.
I haven’t really been able to say much until today. I requested space and told Tara I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I needed to process it on my own. But it has been so hard to do so. I finally feel a bit less in shock, so I am trying to express my feelings now to see if that helps.
She was a special soul. It was such a gift to have her in our lives. I adored her so much. I will always regret that my dysregulation stressed her out, including on her last day. I hate that. I hate that I couldn’t fully show her what she meant to me. I hate that she ever was scared of me. Just another way my disability takes from my life.
But she did show me such love. She loved walking with me on the beach. She loved hiking with me. She loved cheekily stealing my spot on the couch. She loved just being around me.
I am so not sure how to handle this loss. I am so deeply sad. It hurts.
I will never forget her spark.
Your Friend,
Danny
Danny With Words 