Dear Friends,
I had a bad case of the blues last weekend. I was so low and down. It was so suffocating. This was similar to how I felt on my birthday. The sadness had a heaviness that sat on my brain. It was so painful.
I have had depression before. I have experienced grief. I have been deeply sad. But it is relatively new in my life to experience such physical manifestation of my sadness. By that, I mean that I have started showing sadness on my face and feeling heaviness in my body. It is strange.
I did experience this after my dad died. And again when visiting my uncle in Japan, and looking through my grandmother’s things and realizing more fully that she had died and I would never get a chance to know her better. And when visiting elderly relatives in Ireland for what I knew was the last time. I also cried, which is very rare for me, when I heard that Tara was considering applying for a job elsewhere after we had gotten fluent. But that is all over the span of seven years.
So this is still an anomaly for me. And I am not sure how to cope with it. It feels so all-consuming. It feels like there is no way it will get better. And yet this last bout lasted only a few days. So strange to have such a warped sense of perspective without overt dysregulation.
I also must say that this is different from the depression that I experienced before spelling. That felt more chronic and yet less intense. It is complicated.
I notice that my compulsions were so quiet during my sadness. That was the only good part. It was kind of nice to have a break from those. But I just felt so flat.
My family was so lovingly and kindly compassionate in that they didn’t try to force me to cheer up, but listened and gave me space and gently showed me they cared. Tara encouraged me to watch the sunset with her one night. That felt like a balm. And two good friends helped me during our regular online hangout. I also went surfing with Waves 4 All for the first time since breaking my arm, which felt great even to my sad self.
I am better now. Danny is back, compulsions and all! I need to figure out more how to cope with such heavy sadness. I have a lot more to say about it.
How do you handle such feelings?
Your Friend,
Danny
Danny With Words 
Sending you good thoughts, Danny. I wish I had wise advice, but hopefully knowing that you are not alone and that you have friends and family to lift you up or even just be present with you throughout the tough times can help. When times get tough, I also try to remember Glennon Doyle’s advice to “just do the next right thing,” one step at a time, which helps me feel less overwhelmed. I’m so sorry you went through that and glad that you are feeling back to yourself.
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Hi Danny,I’m glad you’re better! Sadness can feel physical for sure. I guess that’s where the term heartbreak comes from. I have felt those feelings before. And often I get lethargic so I sleep. Only after do I have a bit more energy to deal with the feelings and thoughts. Something you said struck me: th
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Dear Danny,
You have a gift of communicating so deeply, honestly, almost naively but in a old soul wise way. What you write rings true to me: “…It feels so all-consuming. It feels like there is no way it will get better. And yet this last bout lasted only a few days. So strange to have such a warped sense of perspective…” I feel this way occasionally as well. I don’t have advice about how to get through it – other than keep telling yourself that although it feels as though it will never end, it does end. I find nature is healing – sunsets, the stars, the ocean. It grounds me. Reminds me of the immensity of time and space that I tend to forget during my day to day life. Keep writing please. 🙂
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