An Awful Time

Dear Friends,

Oh my goodness. I have been having a terrible time. It is the worst dysregulation in a long time.

I could barely enjoy my birthday party on Saturday, though I was so grateful to have some of my best friends with me. It was such a nice evening. But I was all swirling on the inside. It was so hard to feel like I was ruining my own party. But my friends around me helped me feel less alone. And my family prepared such a feast and a lovely garden hangout setting. So I still did enjoy it.

But it has been so awful since. My OCD is through the roof. My throat aches from shouting. My body feels so inflamed. My mom is so frazzled after two straight days of this intensity plus a few days before that of less extreme but still intense dysregulation. My dogs are drained from the stress.

I am so forlorn under the energy and rage. It feels like a monster has taken over and is making me act like a bully. I hate stressing out my loved ones with my antagonistic behavior. I know that we don’t usually say “antagonistic” or “behavior,” but my dysregulation sometimes expresses itself as teasing or harassing. I don’t mean it and it is so hard to control. It is so awful to be the one causing havoc, but I know it is not fun to be around the havoc, either.

I am so hating this part of my disability. It is so scary and confusing. I know that so many deal with this or worse. Why is there not more research on this? Why is there not more help?

I am not seeking pity. I just need to express what I am experiencing.

Your Friend,

Danny