A Tough Trip Home

Dear Friends,

Well, the rest of Motormorphosis was amazing! I will post more in the coming days. But today, I need to share that I had a panic attack on the plane before takeoff on the way home. It was bad. I freaked out and ran from the cockpit almost back to the gate, pushing people and so full of self-loathing. Tara ran after me, desperate to keep me safe and so scared while also struggling to carry the bags that I had dropped. I have never had this happen on a flight before, so we were both blind-sided.

I managed to run back onto the plane, so embarrassed and shaken, with Tara behind me and defending me from a rude comment like a fierce sister bear. I was still in panic mode made worse by feelings of shame and confusion and fear about what might happen next. Then a miracle: our friend Gigi, an S2C practitioner who we know from San Diego and who has a special calm and kind energy, was at the back of the plane, near our seats. She was with her family of young Spellers and her husband. It was such a relief to see these friendly faces.

But I was still in panic mode. I tried to stay seated but my body flipped out and I tore off my seatbelt and trampled Tara and the stranger next to us, and sprinted up the aisle until the crowd still boarding blocked me. Gigi and Tara followed me and helped me bring my body back to my seat. The stranger agreed to switch seats with Gigi so she sat next to us.

And still, my body freaked out, and I trampled Tara and Gigi to rush to the bathroom. The flight attendants had locked them for takeoff, but Gigi got them to unlock one for me. I was so sure we would get kicked off the flight. I was so mortified. I wanted to disappear.

But I made it back to my seat. And I was able to sit through the flight. I felt so low, so absolutely shattered after the warm glow of Motormorphosis. I felt so unworthy. I felt so afraid that my dreams of travel were now impossible. I worried about how Tara was feeling, and I could sense her feelings of stress and sadness and anger at how hard my life is, and shame that she couldn’t help me more. I worried about the landing, too. I was so embarrassed as well. I wanted to hide.

I managed to make it through the flight, and the taxi to the gate and waiting to disembark were tough, but Tara kept me constantly Spelling in those minutes to keep my body focused. It was such a relief to get off the plane and make my way home with our sister, and to have my loving mom and dogs welcome me back to a safe and caring home.

I am still processing this awful episode. My family and support team have helped me feel less shame, and I know I would never think less of my peers for going through something similar, so I am needing to treat myself the same way. I hope I can remember more the wonderful feelings from Motormorphosis over this bad event with a bit more time. And I hope my peers and I will one day fully internalize this important idea: we should never be made to feel shame for what we can’t control. I love you all, and we are part of a more compassionate future.

Your Friend,

Danny